Learning to Live Again
by BettyHall223
Summary: Sam struggles to go on living without Jack but Mark and his family are there to help.


_Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are not my property. No copyright infringement is intended._

_**A/N: Grab some tissues before you read this.**_

Mark stood at the window of his ocean-side home and looked at his sister, sitting on the sunny beach, staring at the waves of the Pacific Ocean as they rolled in and out. Sam sat with her back to him, knees bent and arms wrapped around her legs.

This was the third time in the last hour that he had checked on her and she had not changed positions.

Julie walked up beside him and looked outside at Sam as she rubbed her hand up and down her husband's back.

"You're worried about her, aren't you?"

"Yes, I am. She's hardly eating and I doubt she's sleeping much either."

"She and Jack were deeply in love and she will love him for a very long time. This isn't something she's going to adjust to quickly or easily. We need to give her time and let her grieve."

Julie gently kissed Mark on his cheek and walked away.

His mind wandered back to when he had received the disturbing news.

_He was at work in his office when his phone rang._

"_Mark Carter."_

"_Mr. Carter, this is General Hank Landry. I'm your sister's commanding officer at NORAD. I'm afraid I have some bad news."_

_He set up straight in his chair as his heart began to beat faster. "Please don't tell me something has happened to Sam."_

"_No, it's Jack."_

"_What's wrong?"_

"_Jack was killed this morning in an accident."_

_He put his hand to his chest, feeling that someone had just knocked the air out of his lungs. "Oh no. What happened?"_

"_Jack was just outside Colorado Springs, heading to their cabin in Minnesota when some idiot who had been drinking, ran a red light and smashed into Jack's truck. Sam was planning to fly to Minneapolis next week to begin her vacation and Jack was going to pick her up at the airport."_

_He could hardly believe what he was hearing. "How's Sam?"_

"_Not doing so well, but it might help if you were here."_

"_Thanks for letting me know. We'll be there as soon as we can."_

_He immediately went home to tell Julie and their two kids what had happened. They quickly packed their bags and caught the next flight to Colorado Springs._

_As he sat on the plane, he remembered the happiness in Sam's voice when she called to tell him that she and Jack were engaged. He had been a little disappointed that Sam had not married Pete but he told Sam that if Jack made her happy, then that was all that mattered. He had first met his future brother-in-law at his retirement party when he retired from the Air Force and had seen then what a great couple he and Sam were._

_While escorting Sam down the aisle of the church at her wedding, he wished that their parents could be there to see their daughter get married._

_Sam had told him that Jack and their Dad had been friends._

_They arrived at Sam's house and rang the doorbell. Cassie, who had been maid of honor in Sam's wedding, answered the door and they could see that her eyes were red from crying._

"_Hi. Come in."_

_They set down their luggage and Cassie pointed down the hall. "Sam's in her bedroom."_

_Julie put her hand on his arm. "Go on, Mark, you should talk to her in private."_

_He walked slowly, not knowing what he would say to his sister._

_He gently knocked and opened the door to find Sam lying on the bed._

_Staring at her for a moment, he closed the door and sat down beside her. Sam slowly turned her head to see who it was. She set up, burst into tears and began to sob as he wrapped his arms around her._

"_Oh Sam, I'm so sorry."_

_Not knowing what else to say, he simply held her until she was ready to let go._

_Sam sat back and took a deep breath. "This is all my fault, Mark."_

"_How can this possibly be your fault?"_

_Tears ran down her cheeks. "Jack was going to wait until I was ready to leave for my vacation so we could ride to the cabin together, but I told him that since he loved it there so much, he should go on and he could pick me up next week at the Minneapolis airport. If I had not suggested that he leave early, this wouldn't have happened."_

"_You cannot blame yourself for this. The stupid drunk that hit Jack is at fault. Not you."_

"_But if I hadn't suggested it, he would still be alive."_

_He put his hands on her shoulders and looked into her eyes._

"_Listen to me. You are not at fault. Don't you dare feel guilty and blame yourself for this. You had no way of knowing this was going to happen. Okay?"_

_Sam looked away and nodded her head. "Okay."_

_He put his arm around her and hugged her._

"_This is so unfair. Jack and I have been married less than a year and now he's gone."_

"_No, it isn't fair, Sam. I hope they put this guy in prison where he'll spend the rest of his miserable life."_

_They heard a soft knock and Cassie opened the door._

"_Daniel and Murray are here."_

_Sam wiped her eyes. "We'll be out in a few minutes."_

_He had first met Daniel and Murray at Jack's retirement party and being around Sam's teammates during the few days before Jack and Sam's wedding, he had seen the close friendship among all of them._

_Sam went into the adjoining bathroom and closed the door. In a few minutes she came back out and he could see that she had washed her face and combed her hair. She looked very tired and pale._

_He followed her to the living room and watched as Daniel hugged Sam._

"_I'm so sorry we didn't get here sooner and I'm so sorry about Jack."_

"_It's okay, Daniel. I knew you were . . . a long way away so I understand."_

_They held each other for several long moments until they finally released each other._

_Daniel removed his glasses and brushed tears from his eyes as Sam turned to Murray and he could see the sadness on his face. The big man wrapped his arms around Sam and held her gently._

_The next day, he sat at the dining room table with Sam, General Landry, Daniel and an officer from Air Force Mortuary Affairs Operations and listened as they planned the funeral. As they went over the details, he could tell that Sam was trying not to cry, so he reached over and held her hand._

_The night before the funeral, he couldn't sleep so he got out of bed and wandered into the living room. A lamp was on in the corner as he looked out the window and saw Sam sitting in the swing on the deck._

_He opened the door and from the light of the lamp and the full moon, he watched tears roll down Sam's cheeks as she stared into the yard._

_She looked up at him as he came outside and closed the door. Sitting down close to her, he put his arm around her and she leaned her head on his shoulder._

"_I'm glad you're here, Mark."_

"_Would it help to talk about Jack or would it just make you feel worse?"_

"_It's okay to talk about him."_

"_You know, I didn't want to like Jack before I met him."_

"_Because of Pete?"_

"_Yes. Pete's my buddy and I wanted you together but you suddenly broke the engagement."_

"_I made a mistake. I shouldn't have let it go so far with Pete. I didn't mean to hurt him but I finally admitted to myself how much in love with Jack I really am, and even though I didn't know if I could be with Jack, I had to find out, so I ended my relationship with Pete."_

"_After being around Jack for a while, I realized how much you loved each other and I saw how good he was to you. When you got engaged, I'd never seen you so happy. You had a glow about you when you were with Jack that you didn't have with Pete."_

_Tears came to Sam's eyes again. "Jack was the love of my life, Mark."_

"_I know this hurts, but you'll have the memories forever of what little time you had with Jack. I'm just so sorry that your time together was so short and you didn't get to grow old together."_

_He pushed the swing gently back and forth as they sat in silence. A few minutes passed and Mark squeezed Sam's shoulder._

"_Sam, you need to try to get some sleep. Tomorrow is going to be a busy and tiring day."_

"_I know. I guess I should go lie down."_

_The next day, the church was filled with people who had come to pay their respects to Jack. He recognized the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and noticed several other high ranking officers in their uniforms who had flown in from Washington._

_As the service began, a minister spoke for a few minutes and after he sat down, Daniel went to stand behind the podium._

_Daniel paused for a few moments to gather his thoughts._

"_I met Jack several years ago when I was hired to work for the Air Force. No two men have ever been more opposite in personality as Jack and I. We had differing opinions on almost everything and lots of times we butted heads. He was the kind of guy that would shoot first and ask questions later and I was the one to take the diplomatic approach when it came to dealing with people."_

"_Jack had a very distinguished military career, spending his adult life in the Air Force. Jack had a motto that he lived by: no one gets left behind. I witnessed during the years that Jack I worked together, just how true those words were. Jack risked his life over and over to save people and many times those people were strangers. Jack was a man of his word and I could always depend on him, no matter what the circumstances were, and we became best friends."_

"_Not too long after we met, Jack introduced me to another military officer, Captain Samantha Carter, who is now Lieutenant Colonel Samantha Carter O'Neill. Sam is one of the most intelligent people I've ever known. As Sam and I got to know each other, I soon discovered that she's also a very kind and sweet person and I couldn't ask for a closer friend."_

"_Someone told me about the day that Jack and Sam first met. Sam is not only a soldier but is also an astrophysicist. Jack didn't like scientists and he didn't hesitate to let Sam know it. He wasn't too happy when he was ordered to put Sam on his team. So, to prove to Jack that she could be just as tough as he was, Sam challenged Jack to arm wrestle."_

_Sam grinned and looked down at her hands as everyone laughed._

"_According to witnesses in the room, the sparks flew between them and over the span of eight years, they came to respect and admire each other and Murray, our other team member, and I, watched them slowly fall in love."_

"_The day came when Jack retired and he quickly proposed to Sam, so they finally had the chance to begin their lives together. I will never forget how happy they were at their wedding and how deeply they loved and respected each other."_

_Daniel glanced at Sam to see her brush tears from her eyes._

"_When I heard that Jack had died . . ."_

_Daniel stopped as tears filled his eyes and he took a deep breath before he continued._

_. . . I immediately thought not only of Sam, but also of the many, many people that Jack's life had touched. Before this service began, I talked with some of you about how shocked we all are that Jack is gone. This is a wound that will never completely heal."_

"_Jack never liked to be the center of attention and he would feel humbled that all of you took the time to be here today."_

_Daniel looked at the coffin. "You were taken from us much too soon, Jack. We miss you and we will never forget you."_

_He and his family stood beside Sam at the cemetery. After the twenty-one gun salute, he watched the precision of the military men and women as they folded the American flag that had covered Jack's coffin. As the flag was presented to Sam, Taps was played and he put his arm around his sister's waist as she clutched the flag to her chest and cried._

_When the service was over and everyone began to wander away, Sam didn't move. Not wanting to rush her, he waited beside her without saying a word. Sam took two steps forward, slowly reached out and placed her hand on the coffin as tears ran down her cheeks._

"_I will always love you, Jack."_

_She stared at the coffin for a few seconds more and slowly turned her head to look at him as she wiped her eyes. Looking like she was about to collapse, he put his arm around her and they went to join his family._

_Just as they were about to get in the car with Julie and the kids, they heard someone calling Sam's name. They turned around to see a slim blonde woman standing several feet away._

_Sam handed the flag to him and she walked to where the woman stood and they embraced._

_As the women talked, he leaned against the car and watched as the woman wiped tears from her eyes._

_After several minutes, the women embraced again, said goodbye and Sam walked back to where he stood._

"_Who was that?"_

"_Sara. Jack's first wife."_

"_First wife?"_

"_Jack and Sara divorced shortly after their son died."_

_He stared at her. "Okay. You can tell me more about this later. We need to go."_

_He and Sam had known General Hammond since they were children and the now retired General had opened his house to everyone who had come to the funeral._

_As he, Julie and the kids came up the front steps behind Sam, he watched General Hammond enfold Sam in his arms and whisper something in her ear._

_Sam went on in the house as the General turned to him and they shook hands._

"_Mark, it's good to see you, although these certainly are not the best circumstances."_

"_No sir, but it's good to see you too."_

_Inside the house, people hugged Sam. Some of them cried and he saw his sister comforting them instead of them comforting her._

_He watched as a short man with glasses walked up to Sam and he could see tears in his eyes. Sam took the man's hands in hers._

"_Walter, you were closer to Jack than most people since you worked together for so many years. Thank you for coming."_

"_I missed working with the General when he moved to Washington. He was a great man. I can't believe he's gone."_

"_I know. This is difficult for so many people."_

_Sam let go of Walter's hands and hugged him. Walter quickly wiped his eyes and walked away._

_He brought Sam a plate of food and insisted that she eat. She ate half a sandwich and drank a small glass of iced tea before telling him she didn't want any more._

_Standing in the kitchen doorway, he watched as Matthew, his seven year old son, sat down beside Sam on the sofa._

"_I miss Uncle Jack."_

_Sam put her arm around Matt. "I do too, honey. You know, Jack loved being your Uncle. He liked playing catch and tossing a football around with you in our backyard."_

_Matt grinned. "He was funny."_

"_Yes, he was."_

_As Sam and Matt talked, he wandered outside on the deck where people were quietly talking and eating. He sat down on the top of the steps that led out into the yard and took a sip of tea from the glass in his hand._

_Daniel sat down beside him._

"_You and Sam are very close."_

_Daniel nodded his head. "She's like a sister to me."_

"_After the service at the cemetery, Sam talked with Jack's first wife. Sam had never told me that Jack had been married and that they had a son."_

_Daniel gazed across the yard. "Jack left his loaded gun in his and Sara's house. Their eight year old son, Charlie, found the gun and accidentally shot himself."_

_He stared at Daniel. "That's terrible."_

"_Since Jack had left the gun in their house, Sara blamed Jack for Charlie's death and Jack felt tremendous guilt. Needless to say, when I met Jack shortly thereafter, his state of mind was not good. Jack and his team were sent on a mission for the government, a very dangerous mission. The military was not sure that the team would come back alive and that suited Jack just fine."_

"_You mean it was a suicide mission?"_

"_Yes. I can't give you the details, but something happened to Jack while he was gone and when he came home, he wanted to get on with his life instead of giving up on it. When he returned, Sara had moved out of their house and Jack and Sara divorced. __A__fter all these years, I don't think Jack ever really forgave himself for what happened to his son."_

"_I understand now why Jack liked being with my kids so much."_

"_Jack loved kids, Mark. Maybe having a niece and nephew helped heal the pain a little."_

"_And not long after that suicide mission is when he met Sam?"_

"_That's right."_

"_You mentioned in the eulogy that you watched Sam and Jack fall in love."_

"_I think Murray and I knew they were in love before either of them realized it. They always had the Air Force regulations keeping them apart so both of them tried relationships with other people but they didn't work. To see them finally get married was one of the happiest days of my life. They were so perfect for each other. The one thing I really regret is that they had less than a year together after they were married."_

"_I'm glad Sam has great friends to help her through this, Daniel. She's going to need all of us."_

_Daniel's eyes filled with tears. "I know. Excuse me."_

_Daniel stood up and walked away._

_In the late afternoon as people began to leave, Sam hugged General Hammond and thanked him for having everyone at his home._

_He and his family and Cassie, Daniel and Murray returned to Sam's house._

_Everyone gathered in the living room and Madison, his three year old daughter, climbed up on Sam's lap and laid her head on Sam's shoulder. Before long, Maddie had fallen asleep so Julie picked up Maddie to put her to bed and Matt followed them to the bedroom._

_After talking for a few minutes, Cassie, Daniel and Murray decided to leave._

_Cassie wrapped her arms around Sam. "I'll call you later, Sam." Cassie started to cry and went out the door._

_Daniel hugged her next. "No matter what time it is, call me if you need to talk."_

"_I will, Daniel. Thanks."_

_Murray gave Sam a hug and he and Daniel left._

_He and Sam wandered into the kitchen and sat down at the table._

"_I want you to come home with us for a while."_

"_I can't do that."_

"_Why not? I heard General Landry tell you to take as much time as you needed and I don't want you to be alone right now."_

"_I won't be alone. Daniel and Cassie and Murray will be around."_

"_Please, Sam. Just for a little while. You need to be with your family right now."_

"_They are my family, Mark."_

"_You know what I mean. You always try to be brave around your friends. You don't have to be that way with me and Julie. I'll just worry about you."_

"_I'm a grown woman. I can take care of myself."_

"_I'm not saying you can't. I just think you don't need to be in this house right now that has so many memories of Jack, until you've had a little time to adjust. Please, Sam. Dad would want me to do this and I want to do this."_

"_I'll think about it."_

"_Okay."_

_The next day, Sam agreed to come home with them for a few weeks. She phoned General Landry, Cassie and Daniel to let them know where she would be and would inform them later when she planned to return to Colorado Springs._

_The evening they arrived back in San Diego, they had all been tired so they had gone to bed early._

_He awakened during the night and thought he heard a noise so he got out of bed to see what it was. Walking past the guest room, he heard Sam crying. Knocking softly on the door, he went in, turned on the lamp and closed the door. Sam was sitting on the side of the bed with tears running down her face. As he sat down beside her, he noticed she was shaking. He tried to hug her but she pulled away, stood up and started pacing._

"_I'm so angry at the man that hit Jack! Why did he have to be drinking and driving? Why did he have to run the red light and kill my husband and take him away from me? Why did this happen so soon after Jack and I married? Why did it have to be Jack? He was my whole world and now he's dead! Why? I don't understand!"_

_He stood up and pulled Sam into his arms as she sobbed. Running his hands up and down her back, tears filled his eyes._

"_I don't know, Sam. I don't have any answers for you."_

_He held her for several minutes until she stopped shaking. They sat down on the bed and he kept his arm around her._

_Sam wiped her eyes. "This hurts so much."_

"_I know and I'm so sorry. I wish I could make it better."_

_After talking for a few more minutes, Sam lay back down. He knew she was exhausted as he pulled the covers over her, kissed her forehead and left the room. Closing the door behind him, he leaned against the door, took a deep breath and brushed tears from his eyes, wishing there was something he could do to relieve Sam's pain._

So now here he stood, watching his sister. She had been here for three days and had been very quiet. She missed Jack desperately. After seeing Sam break down the first night they had arrived home, he knew he had made the right decision in talking her into coming back with them. She did not need to be in her house by herself. If he had left her in Colorado, she probably would have returned to her job and tried to act as if she were fine. But just as Julie had said, Sam needed time to grieve.

Matt's eighth birthday was coming up this Saturday so he was glad that Sam would be here for his party. Maybe being with all the kids would help cheer her up a little.

He stepped closer to the window when he noticed Maddie walking down the back steps of their house that led out to the beach.

When they had been in Colorado for Jack's funeral, several people had commented that Maddie looked so much like Sam with her blonde hair, big blue eyes and dimples.

Holding the handrail and taking the steps one at a time, Maddie reached the bottom of the steps and walked barefoot on the warm sand.

Maddie stepped up beside her Aunt and touched her shoulder.

Sam jumped in surprise but quickly smiled when she saw who it was.

"Hey, sweetie."

"Can I sit with you?"

"Sure you can."

Sam quickly wiped her eyes, stretched out her legs and Maddie sat on her lap.

Watching his sister and daughter for a moment, Mark turned away from the window.

Maddie looked up at Sam.

"Aunt Sam?"

"Yes?"

"Are you sad because of Uncle Jack?"

Sam blinked her eyes to keep from crying. "Yes, honey, I am."

"I miss him. He was fun. He let me sit on his shoulders and he would tickle my feet and make me giggle."

Sam smiled. "He loved playing with you and Matt. Jack could sometimes act like a big kid himself."

"He did?"

"Yes. He liked to play with a yoyo and he liked to watch The Simpsons."

"I like The Simpsons" Maddie grinned.

"And Jack liked to tell silly jokes and tease people."

"And he liked cake."

"He certainly did."

"And you know what else, Aunt Sam?"

"What?"

"He loved you a lot. I could tell."

Sam tried not to cry. "Yes he did and I love him very, very much."

Maddie laid her head on Sam's shoulder.

"Mommy says that Uncle Jack is in heaven with Grandpa Jacob but I want him here with us."

"I do too, sweetheart, but I'm afraid that can't happen."

Maddie raised her head and looked into Sam's eyes. "It's okay if you're sad. I'll be sad with you."

"It's okay to be sad for a while, but I know your Uncle Jack would not want us to be sad forever. He would want us to go on living and loving each other. But he will always be in our hearts and we will always have memories of him."

Maddie sadly shook her head. "But he won't be here to play with me and see me get big."

"No, he won't, honey, but we can't change that."

"Aunt Sam?"

"Yes?"

"Why don't you have babies? Don't you like babies?"

"Yes, I love babies but some people have babies and some don't. But, you know what?"

"What?"

"You're my niece and that's pretty close to having my own baby."

Maddie grinned. "I can be your baby if you want me to."

Sam smiled and hugged Maddie.

"Okay. From now on, you're my baby."

As Sam and Maddie talked, Matt sat down beside them.

"Why don't you move here so we could see you more often?"

"That would be great, Matt, but my job is in Colorado."

"But you'll be all alone."

"Not totally alone. My friends are there and I enjoy my job and it keeps me very busy. You really don't need to worry about me."

"I told Dad you'd be okay."

"Did your Dad put you up to asking me to move here?"

Matt grinned. "Yes, but don't tell him I told you. He just wants you to be closer to us."

Sam shook her head and smiled. "That brother of mine is something else."

Maddie looked into Sam's eyes. "He's the best Daddy ever!"

Sam grinned. "You should tell him that."

Maddie nodded her head. "I did."

"I'll try to visit more often and you can come visit me."

Matt's eyes grew wide. "Will you take us up in a helicopter?"

"I can't promise but maybe that could be arranged."

"Could we go to a Rockies game?"

"Sure we can."

"And see the Broncos?"

"We can do that too. There are also parks and places to hike and swim and if you come during the winter, we can go ice skating and ski in the snow and do all kinds of fun things."

Maddie scrunched her little toes in the sand. "And go shopping, Aunt Sam. Mommy says all women like to shop."

Sam laughed as Matt rolled his eyes. "For cryin' out loud."

Sam shook her head, knowing Matt had picked up that phrase from Jack.

"Well, whatever we do when you come visit me, it'll be fun because we'll do things together."

Sam looked at her arms and legs and noticed how red her skin was. "I think we need to go inside before I get sunburned."

As they headed back to the house, Sam walked between Matt and Maddie and held their hands as they climbed the steps and went inside.

The kids ran off to play as Sam sat down with Mark and Julie in the living room.

"You have great kids."

Julie looked up from the book she was reading. "They love having you here, Sam."

"They certainly do" Mark agreed. "Matt thinks he has the coolest Aunt in the world since you know how to fly airplanes."

Sam smiled. "I told them some things we can do together if you come to visit."

Mark nodded his head. "We will. I promise."

That night after Matt, Maddie and Julie had gone to bed, Mark noticed Sam sitting in a lounge chair on the deck that overlooked the ocean. He came outside and sat down in the chair beside her.

"Beautiful night, isn't it, Sam?"

"Yes, it is."

Neither one said anything for a few moments as they listened to the sound of the ocean.

"Sam, when we were at General Hammond's house, I had a talk with Daniel."

"About what?"

"Sara and Charlie."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. It isn't that I was keeping it from you, it was just that it was a very bad time for Jack, it happened long ago and I just never got around to telling you."

"Do you think he and Sara would have divorced if Charlie had not died?"

Sam stared straight ahead. "I don't know."

Sam paused for a moment. "Over the years that Jack and I worked together, I got to know him very well and he felt things very deeply, deeper than he would admit. Losing Charlie almost destroyed him, Mark. The few times we talked about Charlie, it upset him, so I never said anything about him or Sara unless Jack said something first."

Sam took a deep breath. "I'm surprised that Jack was as mentally stable as he was after everything he had been through. He was captured and held in an Iraqi prison for months where he was often tortured. There were top secret black ops missions that he was ordered to go on for the government, missions so dangerous that he did not know if he was going to live from one day to the next. When Jack and I worked together, there were some things that happened to him that were just horrific, things I cannot tell you about. Jack had given his life to the Air Force and he was so relieved when he finally got to retire and just when he had found some peace and happiness with me, he was killed and I know I will never be that happy again."

Mark reached over and took Sam's hand in his. "Yes you will, Sam, you'll find someone else."

Sam pulled her hand away and glared at her brother. "No, I won't, Mark. You don't understand how long I waited for someone like Jack and you don't know how much I love him. He was so different from any man I've ever known."

Tears filled Sam's eyes. "Jack was handsome and intelligent and funny and sweet and sexy and kind and he made me laugh like no one else ever has and we enjoyed just being together. He made me feel loved and beautiful and he accepted me for who I was and he never tried to change me. I know that as long as I live, I will never have that with anyone else and I don't want to. For ten short months I got to share my life with this wonderful man. For ten short months I had the privilege of being his wife. For ten short months my life was perfect. Jack was my whole world and now he's dead but I know that I will be in love with him until the day I die."

Sam quickly stood and wiped her eyes. "I'm tired. I'm going to bed."

Sam walked past Mark and he watched her hurry inside the house.

He put his head back against the chair and sighed. "That was a stupid thing to say, Mark" he mumbled to himself.

The next morning, Sam went into the kitchen to get some coffee.

Mark was sitting at the kitchen table reading a newspaper and looked up at her.

"Morning, Sam."

"Good morning."

Sam looked around. "Where are Julie and the kids?"

"They went to pick up supplies for Matt's party."

Sam poured herself a cup of coffee and sat down at the table as Mark put down the paper.

"I'm sorry about what I said last night. After you went to bed, I got to thinking about how much I love Julie and I know if anything ever happened to her, I would never love another woman the way I love her, so please forgive me for shooting off my big mouth and saying what I did. I can be too opinionated sometimes. Guess I get that from Dad."

"It's okay. I know you meant well."

"Maybe that's why Dad never married again after Mom died. He knew he would never find anyone else that he would love as much."

"I miss Mom and Dad."

Mark nodded his head. "Me too."

**~oOo~**

Sam sat on the deck steps in her swimsuit with a towel wrapped around her waist, watching Mark play with all the kids on the beach who had come to Matt's birthday party.

Julie came out of the house and sat down beside Sam.

"Looks like Matt's having fun."

Julie grinned. "I think Mark is enjoying it more than Matt. He can be such a kid sometimes."

"Jack was the same way. That's one of the many things I love about him. I guess all men have a little boy inside them that never grows up."

"Seems that way."

They watched as Mark picked up Maddie and held her above his head as he ran into the ocean.

"I'm going to count to three and drop you in the water!"

"No, Daddy!" Maddie giggled.

Mark counted to three but at the last moment, he let Maddie fall into his arms and hugged her. Maddie wrapped her little arms around Mark's neck and gave him a big kiss on his cheek.

Sam stared at her brother. "Mark is a great Dad."

Julie smiled. "Yes, he is . . . and a great husband."

Tears filled Sam's eyes. "I wish so much that Jack was here. He would have loved to be out there playing with Matt and Maddie and the other kids."

Julie gently squeezed Sam's arm. "I'm sorry."

As Sam wiped her eyes, Maddie came running up the beach and stood at the bottom of the steps.

"Come play with me, Aunt Sam!"

Sam stood up, dropped the towel and hurried down the steps.

Maddie held Sam's hand and they ran into the ocean.

Julie watched as Mark sneaked up behind Sam and splashed her with water.

Sam quickly turned around and grinned. "I'll get you for that!"

Julie burst out laughing as Mark took off running down the beach with Sam right behind him.

**~oOo~**

A week later, Mark's family stood inside the San Diego International Airport to tell Sam goodbye.

When her flight was announced, Sam gave Matt a hug. "Promise you'll come visit me?"

"Yes, if Dad and Mom will let me."

Mark put his hand on Matt's shoulder. "I think that can be arranged."

Sam picked up Maddie and she started to cry as she put her arms tightly around Sam's neck.

"I don't want you to go, Aunt Sam."

"Oh, honey, I have to but I promise I'll be back to visit."

Sam set Maddie back down and Maddie wiped her eyes.

Julie gave Sam a hug. "Take care of yourself and please come back any time. If you need anything, just let us know."

"Thanks. I will."

Sam put her arms around Mark's neck, gave him a long hug and when she let go, he could see tears in her eyes.

"You'll be okay, Sam."

"Maybe. Some day."

He held her hand. "Just remember, any time you need to talk, call me."

"I love you, Mark. Thanks for everything."

He squeezed her hand. "I love you too."

She picked up her purse and bag, started down the corridor and turned around to see her family watching. She waved and went around the corner.

As Sam sat on the plane and stared out the window, she remembered how handsome Jack had been at their wedding and the way he had looked at her with such love in his eyes as he said his vows. They had been so happy that day and every day since then. She leaned her head back against the seat and closed her eyes, eager to be in her own house so she could cry in private.

Daniel watched for Sam as the passengers stepped off the plane that Sam would be on. He stared at her when he saw her coming and could see that her eyes were red.

Sam gave Daniel a hug. "It's so good to see you."

Daniel grinned. "You too."

They walked through the airport and outside to Daniel's car. After they got inside, he started the motor and they fastened their seatbelts.

"How was your visit with Mark?"

"It was good. I'm glad he talked me into going. Spending time with him and Julie, and especially Matt and Maddie, helped cheer me up a little."

As they stopped in Sam's driveway, Daniel turned off the motor as Sam stared at her house.

"This will be the first time I've been here by myself since Jack . . ."

Daniel opened the car door. "Come on, I'll go with you."

After getting Sam's bag from the car, Daniel followed Sam into the house. They sat down on the sofa as Sam looked around at all the things that reminded her of Jack and tears filled her eyes.

"I've always thought of myself as being strong and brave but knowing Jack is gone just hurts so much and I miss him so much and I don't know how I'm going to live without him."

"I know how you feel, Sam."

Sam quickly wiped her face. "Oh Daniel, I'm sorry. You do know how I feel since you went through this when Sha're died."

Daniel took Sam's hands in his and looked into her eyes. "It isn't easy, and it won't be for a long time. There will be days when you will hardly eat and nights you will hardly sleep and times when you'll feel like screaming or punching a hole in the wall. There will be times that you'll feel like you're doing pretty well and then it'll hit you all over again. If you feel like crying, then cry. No one expects you to adjust to Jack's death quickly and you should not expect that of yourself. Grief can be paralyzing and there will be days when you'll wake up in the morning and have to remind yourself just to breathe and to keep putting one foot in front of the other. In time, you will learn to live again and just remember that you have a lot of people who care about you including me and Mark and Cassie and Teal'c, so don't hesitate to lean on us. Okay?"

Sam gave Daniel a hug. "Thanks, Daniel."

**~oOo~**

The snow fell gently to the ground as Sam stood beside Jack's grave.

Today was Christmas Eve and Jack had died five months ago.

Sam bent down to brush away the snow on the headstone and laid down an arrangement of red roses.

Standing up straight, she stared at Jack's name. "Mark and his family are here for Christmas, Jack. Matt and Maddie miss you not being here to play with them. I would give anything to have you here with us."

She paused for a moment as tears moistened her eyes. "Seems like time has stood still since you've been gone and I sometimes wonder if the pain will ever stop. I miss you so much. I wake up at night and reach for you but you're not there. I miss waking up every morning with your arm around me. I miss making love with you. I miss you teasing me. When I come home from the Mountain, I miss you not being there to welcome me home with a hug and a kiss. So many things remind me of you and the very short time we were married. I'm trying to get on with my life, like I know you would want me to, but it's very hard."

She wiped the tears from her eyes. "Merry Christmas, Jack."

Mark waited patiently several feet away, giving Sam all the time she needed until she was ready to leave.

Sam had spent Thanksgiving with him, Julie and the kids in San Diego. Knowing how difficult Christmas would be for Sam, he had quickly accepted Sam's invitation for him and his family to spend Christmas with her.

Sam glanced over her shoulder at him so he came walking toward her and put his arm around her shoulder.

"I miss Jack so much and I wish that he were here, not just because it's Christmas but every day."

"I know, Sam."

Mark hesitated for a moment. "Is this getting any easier for you?"

Sam sighed. "Some days I do pretty well, but I still have those days when Jack's death completely overwhelms me and I just feel so empty inside."

They stood silently for a few moments and the snow began to come down faster as Sam looked at Mark. "We better get home. I promised Matt and Maddie that we would build a snowman together."

"Well then, since they love spending every waking moment with their super cool Aunt Sam, I guess we shouldn't keep them waiting."

"They both want to learn to ice skate so after we build a snowman, I promised to take them skating and tonight we're baking cookies to leave for Santa."

Mark chuckled. "You spoil my kids."

Sam grinned. "Don't you know? That's exactly what super cool Aunt Sam is supposed to do."

Mark rubbed his hand up and down her arm. "They couldn't ask for a sweeter Aunt than you, Sam."

Sam looked at the headstone once again as she whispered "I love you, Jack. Always."

The End


End file.
